BEAUTY. SKIN DEEP?

we have been down this road so many times
beauty and its definitions
so objective and subjective all at the same time
what does it mean to be truly beautiful?

i remember typing something similar before
but i shall type it again

ladies, its time to stop
being affected by the media with a cookie cutter definition of beauty
changing ourselves to suit others' wishes and dreams
being pressured by the pinning of their expectations on ourselves

soon we take those expectations as our own expectations for ourselves
we diet, exercise to fit into that dress, if we can dont breathe to make
ourselves skinner, we would
what are the considerations?

becoming skinner physically is not exactly unhealthy
i mean if you are becoming healthier than why not
we all know being overweight do lead to diseases such as heart problems
but we know people start with this step and then cross the line more and more
till one day, they cannot live up to their own expectations of themselves

and theres the issue that perhaps you are not even fat in the first place
then what is there to diet?
girls however, we are somehow able to dig out some lump of flesh to want to cut down on

i wonder when will this stop.
stop taking expectations of others and turning them to those of our own
it will soon kill us
this death will kill us inside and outside slowly bit by bit
the first step may be cutting 5kg, then realising you are able to do it
pin more and more expectations on yourself

guys,
look at a 'ugly' girl and tell me, what defines ugly?
her thighs, her face? her eyes?
we are past the phase of the inside counts for a lot
so why, why are still so many expectations of girls?
to be of a certain criteria?
is it such so that we can expect our men to be of a certain standard?

does love, come with expectations?
i wonder.

louis once asked me a question,
is a relationship all about give and take?
so i kept thinking about it and i asked
the final verdict is that a relationship is not about giving and taking
not even about compromising
a relationship is all about just giving

i think i will not support someone dieting to fit into a dress
but rather dieting for the right purposes
to maintain weight or to be healthy
dieting to fit into a dress seems to be self improvement for all the wrong reasons

plenty for thought.

FINALLY.

i have been so determined to blog but havent even dug out some time
the projects i have are keeping my group mates and me
in school till about 5/6?
then it will be either dinner with them (shuxian and shirley)
by the time i get my bus which comes once every 2000 years by a way
and reach home, it will be close to nine

then it will be my daily stoning session
whereby i will spend time with my family stoning
awesome isnt it

i will be looking forward at the tv,
i dont remember what i watch mostly
the things i am supposed to do just run through my head

its also frustrating that my body is not strong enough
for me to be so hard on her
i feel that i shouldnt!
God's temple and im treating His temple quite badly
by little sleep, little food, little blood. literally.

a bit late to have a new year resolution
i would want to have a proper sleeping routine,
eat my meals and not forget
thankfully my stomach usually dont let me forget
its just that sometimes work seems more important
i cant believe my eyes!
you cant believe yours either!
im saying that work is more important than food!

i just had the presentation on the Holocaust
i guess, i was quite badly affected by the plight of victims
this massacre was none like any other
i wondered, as the victims get tortured slowly to death
what is the worst torture?

then i read this article about how this mother fed her
baby urine to stop the baby from crying to not alert the soldiers
and the baby died from choking
the mother went crazy and carry her dead baby around
screaming for people to feed her baby
when people took the baby from her hands,
it was already dead for a few days

then i realised, that no matter what torture
be it physically, mentally, emotionally
are all equally painful and hard to take
there should not be any comparison of torture
the man who was slowly tortured to death suffered as much
as parents who kill their own child to end the suffering


enough of the serious talk,
i am starving and sleepy
i want to at least satisfy one and eat soon
the sleep on the bus first time today,
was the first time i slept, without knowing i slept

HELLO WORLD.

this picture spoke to me somehow
maybe its the words, maybe its something else
i am not too sure

i saw a call for an update from shengming!
one word can summarize my life in the recent weeks
busy

i dont remember my days
i dont remember my meals
what i eat, how i sleep

i do thank god for groupmates
cause they do make project work easier to take

life has gotten so dry that its almost seems like a bad drought
i wonder when is the rain coming.

WEEKENDS

today is saturday! awesome.
school starts in two days.
what more can i say.

it actually rhymes a bit don't you think so
point of reflection of the week is that
different people have different values in different situations
makes me wonder when is things right or wrong for that matter

i realised through watching tv i actually learn certain moral values
at least i felt hat i did
like i remember there was this show where the actors said that relationships
in life are not based on luck but rather on hard work and effort to maintain
and it really struck me, that how many relationships i have in my life that
i would want to maintain?

i thought of friends who are out of my life and me out of theirs for quite some time
some of them busy with work, some of them with new relationships
but whatever the matter, or the cause
an effort has to be made to maintain relationships.


my stomach is calling me to feed it
theres not much food in the house though
okay, im just being picky
there is food but i just dont like it
vegetables.


they will overtake singapore one day i swear
with the big cabbage leaves and those green caixin
-shudders at the thought

HOLIDAYS ENDING.

what is this,
i dont even remember the holiday starting and
i am already counting down to the new year
that is good and bad in alot of ways
good because time is flying even though
france is a million miles away
bad because next year is so uncertain!

my projects and resume,
i cannot understand my low level of productivity
and ive been at home everyday!
its already starting to make me sick
i cant believe i am saying this
but i think not getting out more is why the dodo bird died of a natural death
no one really remembers that advert
oh moving on!

i have to start doing work
work = projects and resume
still have to dig for my certs to self promote myself
what am i going to say?
team player? confident?
but i am not supposed to lie!

i will really kill myself if i dont get down to doing work soon
oh funny i had the thought of killing myself if i dont do work
but not just doing work like right now

my procrastinating skills has hit a whole new level
i can just tell from the way i am putting things off
and i cant have a new year resolution not to procrastinate
cause i will just procrastinate to fulfill that resolution

funny how that all sounds contradicting but make some sense at some point of time?
i have only been out twice this week!
-pats self on the back
im already going crazy.

LUCKY.

Do you hear me,
I’m talking to you
Across the water across the deep blue ocean
Under the open sky, oh my, baby I’m trying

Boy I hear you in my dreams
I feel your whisper across the sea
I keep you with me in my heart
You make it easier when life gets hard

They don’t know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I’ll wait for you I promise you, I will

I’m lucky I’m in love with my best friend
Lucky to have been where I have been
Lucky to be coming home again
I’m lucky we’re in love every way
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed
Lucky to be coming home someday

-Jason Mraz feat. Colbie Caillat

is there really such thing as luck?

its funny how people are so near sometimes, and yet so far away.

EMOTIONAL. AND YOU DONT KNOW.

i breathed in the smoky air.
and blew it out, all that cigarette taste in my mouth

oh how long have we fought, how many times
to just
believe, like it wont fail you
trust, like it wont betray you
love, like it wont leave you

because oh no they wont understand,
so why let them see you
the fear that rushes through veins
what do they know

how much you tried to hold on when someone else is letting go
i only want to sleep so much, sleeping too long would only mean
being too far from reality, and that gives too much hope

when you fight those voices in your head
do the people around you add to them? or fight them instead?
reassuring words you wont find repeating
cause its tiring to say

give yourself a pat on the back
and tell yourself everything's ok

everything's ok when life takes its toll
when everything seems pitch black
when you cant find the end of that rainbow

everything's ok when the person you love hurts you so


dear god, are you there tonight?
cause i really need you to hold me tight.










emotions mashed with writing
raw blogging
i think its not a bad prose. (:
i am starting to know how to express how i feel with my limited vocab.