THOSE DAYS, WEAK

its one of those days that i have so much bad things on my mind
that i become numb to feeling upset about the bad things
like how i reviewed the past few days and feel that
i have so many areas to work on, so much support i perhaps may need
im not sure if there is any good news this week in store for me

usually when im upset i will go eat something good
i dont feel like doing that now, in fact i no longer really want to eat anything
i can just sit here the whole day staring at the window
my mind just a blank, thinking of nothing and remember nothing in particular

its one of those days where im not sure how long it will last
where im not sure even whether i want it to last
some people are willing to let themselves mop like this forever
sink into this pit that they themselves not want to get out from
i for one, am not sure where the line lies now

"'Cause I've lost loved ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for them never were revealed
So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel"

EMOTIONAL

im sick, i should be sleeping
and i wonder why i had to pick such nights to stay awake
i opened the door and stood at the corridor outside

i like the view from my house, not too high to see nothing
and not too low to be unable to make out details

the air was cold, i looked up at the skies
then my vision blurred
i knew it
i was trying to ignore that
constant tagging at my heart for so long
i miss you, perhaps more than i thought

JACK OF ALL TRADES

i feel that im a jack of most trades
and a master of none
im not sure if i am happy being this way
that remains to be seen

my sentiments today include how much of a lousy week this is
and how my shoulders ache from carrying the accessories around
how the most little things in life can really ruin a day
transport, weather etc.

and i also believe that similarly there are so many little things
in life that makes a great difference in my day
getting to really rely on God in many aspects
where we cant fill up, He always does
and a short phone call from France

today i wondered if forgetting the past allows me
to move forward better,
past failures and hurts
today i wondered how to truly help people
leaving in them something that they can rely on for a lifetime
i guess, i can only do so much

this life has been faith building, i experienced loss, pain, separation
i also experienced new life, second chances, love
i cannot help and look back at the choices i made that carried me thus far
the wrong ones that seems etched into my mind
and the right ones that never fails to make me smile

today is just reminiscence.

And if tomorrow brings a lonely day
Here and now i know I haven't lived in vain
I'll cry my tears in the rain and if love never comes again
I can always say
I've been to paradise skies in your eyes

BORED TO TEARS.

i am bored to tears.
within this period of time not knowing whether im being accepted for the
teaching position and hence not able to know my commitment
also means i dont know what kind of job to look for

which means these agonising 15 days wait is sad
at least i can be going around looking for a job or something
but now im just bumped at home

one possible good thing is that im able to show my support
at all of wan ting's matches, with another one tomorrow
other things im busy with includes sorting out the accessories
that my cousin wants to sell, helping her start an online children accessories shop
and should any one of you like the accessories
custom-made is also available.

other good things could include trying to beat my personal high score on scramble and Hell's Kitchen. not that healthy if you ask me

couple of birthdays coming up, louis and shengming
not too sure what to get either of them
any suggestions do tag my tagboard! :D

TIME

everyone has an irresistible desire, to be irresistibly desired.

ALONE.

i finally am burdened by being different
there is within me a desire to no longer be who i am
i tried, i really did

but then again does it matter?
no one will take pity on this heart
scarred and wounded

and thats the way the world works
its this point, the make or break point
where your values are being requestioned
where your love undermined


giving up or giving in?
then again does it matter?
what i live with or for?

i dont want to care
no more
i want to love people like they deserved to be loved
beats the superficial and temporary


and i will be happy
with or without

so much for through thick and thin
for better or worse

my interview was ok!
cause it was a chinese teacher position
so they interviewed me in chinese mostly
so rusty at my chinese already!
oh but wells,
i didnt do that awesome till i was amazed at myself
i didnt do that badly till i entirely have no chance
so its up to God now and we will see how things go.

sometimes i sit here and wonder
what is this ability we have inside of us
to conjure up things to hurt those closest to us
the words we say, the things we did or did not do
its as if we are fine just stabbing each other with words

what one say may not be interpreted as the exact same meaning it was intended
sometimes it becomes a fact that we hurt who we care for and about
no matter how carefully we phrased our sentences and choose our words
sometimes when we regret its too late
sometimes apologies dont work wonders


perhaps to you i am such a girl
and you wondered where all the good parts went
when we rely on the same drug that harms us to give us comfort instead
think what you want
say what you wish
the accusations that stand against me i will not fight back
what do i fight back with? i wonder
will you then care for my well-being or be moved by my pathetic-ness?

we all know the answer well
if i turned around and you did too,
will we keep walking till our lives never intersect
ever again?